Going through the young women's program, if nothing else, taught me two important truths. 1) I am a daughter of God who loves me, and 2) Marriage and family are essential to God's plan of happiness. These truths were ingrained deep into my teenage heart so that I would often find myself dreaming of the days I could have a family of my own and be married to the man of my dreams. The "drama" of having to wait for this eternal family of my own caused me a lot of heartbreak as I desperately tried to wait patiently for the right timing and made a lot of dating mistakes.
As I entered my freshman year of college, my priorities started to shift. I started worrying about school, finances, friends, and finding time for fun and I wasn't so focused on marriage and family anymore. Instead, I left on my amazing mission and to my surprise (and my parents surprise), I found myself married a short 2 years later at the age of 21.
Grant definitely is the man of my dreams when it comes to an eternal marriage, but the timing of it was completely unexpected. I had tried to slow things down and date my husband for what I would consider a 'smart' courtship but the spirit was relentless and told me I couldn't wait and needed to date him right now! To this day the urgency I felt to date and marry my husband surprises me and I have no clue what would have happened had I not listened to those promptings, but I am so grateful I did. Grant and I would spend the next three years building a marriage that I had always dreamed of as a teenager. As we went through both unexpected trials and blessings together, we grew closer to each other and God, which I believe has helped us establish a strong foundation for our marriage and family.
Despite my growing faith and testimony in my marriage, I had serious doubts about having children of my own. I felt so young at the age of 21 with so much school ahead of me since I had taken off time to serve a mission. I admired my own mother and her ability to raise 7 children but I didn't feel like I would be good at being a mother and even felt terrified that one day I would find out I was accidentally pregnant. I remember feeling so anxious about having children especially as I watched my older sisters who had young families of their own and would often give me reality checks of how challenging they found motherhood to be and how they often felt unhappy in their roles(or at least that's the way I perceived it at the time).
About a year into our marriage, I began feeling subtle promptings that we needed to start trying for a baby. I remember feeling almost angry that God would suggest that we start having children when he knew how poor we were and how much school we both had. I fought the prompting so hard which left room for Satan's temptations to walk right in. I began looking at others who were starting their families and who were still in school and I would judge them for being irresponsible and not waiting until they could provide a more comfortable life for their child. I thought the most insensitive and prideful thoughts like, "I don't want to have a baby while on government insurance programs" or "I don't want to be the type of mother who has to send my child to the babysitter so I can go to class." I tried to come up with any excuse I could think of to avoid starting my family. I felt like school was so much more important. I thought with all the time and money I was spending on earning a bachelors degree, what would be the point if I never got to 'use' it in the workforce? Looking back I am so embarrassed by my judgmental thoughts which were none of my business. I admire those who are willing to start their family when they feel prompted and not wait for perfect circumstances (which may never come!).
After fighting this feeling for about 6 months, I reluctantly gave in and we started trying for a baby. I should mention that Grant was full of faith when it came to having a baby. He knew it would be hard for him to be a good provider while still in school, but because he knew how much of a sacrifice it would be on my part he tried to let me make the decision when I was ready. Well to my surprise, we didn't get pregnant that first month nor the second nor the third. I began to wonder why I had felt so strongly we needed to start having a family right now when we weren't getting pregnant right away. As the months dragged on, I thought maybe God was punishing me for not listening to the prompting the first time I received it and therefore he would make me wait. To add to the distress, I could no longer take my medication for my endometriosis which meant my monthly cycles were full of the most intense pain and bleeding I had ever had in my life. Each month of not getting pregnant was a blow both emotionally and physically as I would have to endure another month of agonizing cramps (which lasted much longer than 5 to 7 days I might add) and they would get increasingly worse each time.
Little did I know that all this was God's way of preparing my heart for motherhood. I went from being afraid of getting pregnant to begging God for the privilege of becoming a mother. He knew that my heart needed to be reminded of the eternal truth I had learned as a teenager that motherhood is the most sacred and divine calling. It is what God gave us time for! He was trying to help me replace my fear with faith. I began to realize that climbing the "ladder of success" in whatever career path I chose, while enticing, would never bring me the type of satisfaction I craved. While teaching is a noble profession, I knew that I couldn't ignore the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth so that I could have joy in my posterity. I also knew that I had been blessed with a husband who would be able to provide for our family's wants and needs which meant I would be able to stay home and give my full time, energy, and attention to making a safe haven home for our babies.
Instead of focusing on all the hardships children would bring into my life or the sacrifices I would I have to make, I began to focus on all the positive changes that would come about by having children of my own. I was overwhelmed by how much joy can come from little angels from heaven. I caught a glimpse of how children can make the simplest things like a car ride, a snowfall, or even dinnertime the most magical moments of pure joy. I realized that I wanted to have the experiences that can only come from raising a family and watching your own children that you so painstakingly cared for, have children of their own.
Meanwhile, as I allowed my heart to be open after so many stubborn hard-hearted months of resisting, it was like the flood gates had opened. I couldn't wait to be blessed with a baby and found myself crying, begging, and pleading for one. It became painful to realize that we might not be able to have children of our own or it might take so much longer than we expected. We started saving for fertility treatments knowing that I couldn't last much longer off of my medication and we needed to try something new. I realized there was this whole amazing community of people who had been trying for a lot longer than we had and who had experienced so many other losses in their hope for a baby. I knew that the reason it was so heartbreaking to not be able to have children when you had hoped, is because so much of the joy that comes in life is through raising a family of your own. I believe people who struggle with infertility know this truth better than anyone else and I admire them so much for their optimistic hope for the future as well as their ability to find joy in their circumstances. I know that God gives us an innate desire to be parents as part of his plan of happiness and it can be frustrating when it isn't fulfilled in the way we planned.
Our struggle with infertility, while very painful physically and emotionally, was short. I don't know why we were blessed to have a baby when others (who are probably much better prepared than I was) are still begging, pleading, and crying for their own opportunity to be parents. My heart breaks for them as they experience a struggle I'll never fully understand. I do know that God knows our hearts. He knows what we need to experience in this life so that we are prepared to live with him in the eternities. He knew that I needed to see the joy of families before He could send one of his precious children to me, so that hopefully I wouldn't take it for granted. The day we found out we were pregnant was full of so much joy which would not have been present had we gotten pregnant our very first month. I am so grateful for my sweet baby boy Hayden and that I get to be his mother. I'm grateful that while it was not my timing, it was God's perfect timing which has been exactly what our family needed. As President Russell M. Nelson has taught,"The highest and noblest work in this life is that of a mother." and I hope I never forget this eternal truth!
As I entered my freshman year of college, my priorities started to shift. I started worrying about school, finances, friends, and finding time for fun and I wasn't so focused on marriage and family anymore. Instead, I left on my amazing mission and to my surprise (and my parents surprise), I found myself married a short 2 years later at the age of 21.
Grant definitely is the man of my dreams when it comes to an eternal marriage, but the timing of it was completely unexpected. I had tried to slow things down and date my husband for what I would consider a 'smart' courtship but the spirit was relentless and told me I couldn't wait and needed to date him right now! To this day the urgency I felt to date and marry my husband surprises me and I have no clue what would have happened had I not listened to those promptings, but I am so grateful I did. Grant and I would spend the next three years building a marriage that I had always dreamed of as a teenager. As we went through both unexpected trials and blessings together, we grew closer to each other and God, which I believe has helped us establish a strong foundation for our marriage and family.
Despite my growing faith and testimony in my marriage, I had serious doubts about having children of my own. I felt so young at the age of 21 with so much school ahead of me since I had taken off time to serve a mission. I admired my own mother and her ability to raise 7 children but I didn't feel like I would be good at being a mother and even felt terrified that one day I would find out I was accidentally pregnant. I remember feeling so anxious about having children especially as I watched my older sisters who had young families of their own and would often give me reality checks of how challenging they found motherhood to be and how they often felt unhappy in their roles(or at least that's the way I perceived it at the time).
About a year into our marriage, I began feeling subtle promptings that we needed to start trying for a baby. I remember feeling almost angry that God would suggest that we start having children when he knew how poor we were and how much school we both had. I fought the prompting so hard which left room for Satan's temptations to walk right in. I began looking at others who were starting their families and who were still in school and I would judge them for being irresponsible and not waiting until they could provide a more comfortable life for their child. I thought the most insensitive and prideful thoughts like, "I don't want to have a baby while on government insurance programs" or "I don't want to be the type of mother who has to send my child to the babysitter so I can go to class." I tried to come up with any excuse I could think of to avoid starting my family. I felt like school was so much more important. I thought with all the time and money I was spending on earning a bachelors degree, what would be the point if I never got to 'use' it in the workforce? Looking back I am so embarrassed by my judgmental thoughts which were none of my business. I admire those who are willing to start their family when they feel prompted and not wait for perfect circumstances (which may never come!).
After fighting this feeling for about 6 months, I reluctantly gave in and we started trying for a baby. I should mention that Grant was full of faith when it came to having a baby. He knew it would be hard for him to be a good provider while still in school, but because he knew how much of a sacrifice it would be on my part he tried to let me make the decision when I was ready. Well to my surprise, we didn't get pregnant that first month nor the second nor the third. I began to wonder why I had felt so strongly we needed to start having a family right now when we weren't getting pregnant right away. As the months dragged on, I thought maybe God was punishing me for not listening to the prompting the first time I received it and therefore he would make me wait. To add to the distress, I could no longer take my medication for my endometriosis which meant my monthly cycles were full of the most intense pain and bleeding I had ever had in my life. Each month of not getting pregnant was a blow both emotionally and physically as I would have to endure another month of agonizing cramps (which lasted much longer than 5 to 7 days I might add) and they would get increasingly worse each time.
Little did I know that all this was God's way of preparing my heart for motherhood. I went from being afraid of getting pregnant to begging God for the privilege of becoming a mother. He knew that my heart needed to be reminded of the eternal truth I had learned as a teenager that motherhood is the most sacred and divine calling. It is what God gave us time for! He was trying to help me replace my fear with faith. I began to realize that climbing the "ladder of success" in whatever career path I chose, while enticing, would never bring me the type of satisfaction I craved. While teaching is a noble profession, I knew that I couldn't ignore the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth so that I could have joy in my posterity. I also knew that I had been blessed with a husband who would be able to provide for our family's wants and needs which meant I would be able to stay home and give my full time, energy, and attention to making a safe haven home for our babies.
Instead of focusing on all the hardships children would bring into my life or the sacrifices I would I have to make, I began to focus on all the positive changes that would come about by having children of my own. I was overwhelmed by how much joy can come from little angels from heaven. I caught a glimpse of how children can make the simplest things like a car ride, a snowfall, or even dinnertime the most magical moments of pure joy. I realized that I wanted to have the experiences that can only come from raising a family and watching your own children that you so painstakingly cared for, have children of their own.
Meanwhile, as I allowed my heart to be open after so many stubborn hard-hearted months of resisting, it was like the flood gates had opened. I couldn't wait to be blessed with a baby and found myself crying, begging, and pleading for one. It became painful to realize that we might not be able to have children of our own or it might take so much longer than we expected. We started saving for fertility treatments knowing that I couldn't last much longer off of my medication and we needed to try something new. I realized there was this whole amazing community of people who had been trying for a lot longer than we had and who had experienced so many other losses in their hope for a baby. I knew that the reason it was so heartbreaking to not be able to have children when you had hoped, is because so much of the joy that comes in life is through raising a family of your own. I believe people who struggle with infertility know this truth better than anyone else and I admire them so much for their optimistic hope for the future as well as their ability to find joy in their circumstances. I know that God gives us an innate desire to be parents as part of his plan of happiness and it can be frustrating when it isn't fulfilled in the way we planned.
Our struggle with infertility, while very painful physically and emotionally, was short. I don't know why we were blessed to have a baby when others (who are probably much better prepared than I was) are still begging, pleading, and crying for their own opportunity to be parents. My heart breaks for them as they experience a struggle I'll never fully understand. I do know that God knows our hearts. He knows what we need to experience in this life so that we are prepared to live with him in the eternities. He knew that I needed to see the joy of families before He could send one of his precious children to me, so that hopefully I wouldn't take it for granted. The day we found out we were pregnant was full of so much joy which would not have been present had we gotten pregnant our very first month. I am so grateful for my sweet baby boy Hayden and that I get to be his mother. I'm grateful that while it was not my timing, it was God's perfect timing which has been exactly what our family needed. As President Russell M. Nelson has taught,"The highest and noblest work in this life is that of a mother." and I hope I never forget this eternal truth!
Marcie, this is so good. Please keep writing. Your words can help so many people. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Marcie.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful, raw, honest, faith promoting post ♥️ Thank you Marcie for your honesty & example & bravery in sharing your story.
ReplyDelete